Disappointment with God

This blog post was originally published in the summer of 2021.

Recently I have had two significant incidences of disappointment.  One of them is related to a relationship and the other to a job.  

The relationship incident is the most difficult to process because it has been in process for three and a half years.  And it all started with the Holy Spirit’s prompting not my own.  That led to much prayer, journaling, and walking and talking with God.  But it did not end as anticipated.  Instead of a happy ending, it ended with an abrupt, rude text.  I was heartbroken and confused.

The job incident also began with the prompting of the Holy Spirit.  As the conclusion of all 3 of my nanny jobs last school year came to a close, I was asking God what he had next for me.  In April I wondered about working at a church again.  This wondering was from the Holy Spirit not Alisa’s Imagination of a Perfect Job.  In May I asked if the church was hiring any part-time, paid positions, and was thrilled to learn they were!  In June I had an hour-long interview with 5 men, and felt hopeful that God was in the midst of this.  When I learned two weeks later that the other person was chosen for the job, I was heartbroken and confused.

While the heartbreak of both of these had dissipated somewhat, the confusion and disappointment remains.  I am realizing that because I was traveling and with family the two weeks following the news, I could reasonably put aside fully contemplating the disappointment.  However, as I look back on this past 10 days, I see that I have avoided the pain rather than faced it.  Rather than doing what I do to process difficulty by writing it out, I have been putting my focus on food and distracting myself with the constant noise of podcasts or audiobooks.  Having the reprieve from grief is not bad, but too much avoidance is unhealthy.  

It sure is difficult to know how to handle disappointment - especially when it is with God.  We know that humans will let us down.  We know that we hurt each other with our words and actions.  But we don’t expect that from the Most Holy God.  What do I do?

As I mentioned above, the relationship disappointment is far more difficult to face because it has been something for which I have hoped for over three years.  Last weekend I took the first step and wrote a letter to the person.  I wrote it in my journal with absolutely no intention of sending it, but as a way to express how I feel.  As I wrote I knew I needed to write out to God.  I hope this doesn’t sound sacrilegious, but the reason for the disappointment is because God didn’t see that the outcome of the situation was as I anticipated.  I think it’s one of those cases of the benefits of the choice God gave us as humans.  He does not force us to do anything.  While I am thankful for that.  I’m grateful to have freewill and the ability to choose.  But when it is others making decisions which don’t seem to me to be Spirit-led, I question human freewill.  Then I feel guilty because I do trust that the God of the Universe indeed knows far more than I do.  Who am I to question the One who intricately wove me in the depths of the earth and saw my unformed substance?

Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand

Marked off the heavens with a span

Enclosed the dust of the earth in a measure

Weighed the mountains in scales and the hills in a balance?

Who has measured the Spirit of the LORD, or what man shows him his counsel?

Who taught him knowledge and showed him the path of justice?